most, if not all, of these are friking hillarious.

How do you get your woodwind section to sound like the horn section?

Have them miss every other note.


How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.


Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.


conductor:
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water gives policy to god

percussionist:
falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo"
wets self with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
loses arguments with self

saxophone player:
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued any ammunition
can stay afloat with a life jacket
talks to walls, argues with himself

clarinet player:
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
too busy with reed for gun
throws reed into water
thinks reed is god

French Horn player:
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if sea is calm
talks with god

flute player:
barely clears a Quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by god

oboist:
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks to god if special request is approved

bassoonist:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals

trumpet player:
argues with building when it won't get out of the way
sleeps in locomotive
claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth explaining why he really can't
saves water to drink after every triple C
thinks he's god.

Trombone player:
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is god



What is a difference between a conductor and a clarinet player?

TWO MEASURES!


What is a brass player's favorite movie?

Gone with the Woodwinds.


God made some people trombone players.
Others were not so fortunate.


How many times does a trombone player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it.
How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? - Twice, once when he hears it and again when he gets it.
How many times does a tuba player laugh at a joke - Three times, once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when he gets it.
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? - He doesn't-he starts a fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at him.


What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back!


What do you call 600 flute players at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.